A Vision Heard
Running through my life is a stretching Form,
Which gently flows with comely curls and Whorls,
It grows, from my very beginning, opposed to Male-Norm.
Through it can be seen to possess beauty Rare,
It is dented and marred, and treated as Tares.
Overgrown with large, ugly vines, and encrusted with Grime.
Oh what a Crime!
Always there, I was aware, yet unfathomed I Declare.
It was Me, my shame unfair, among those traces: Beware!
Yet at some level deep, I perceived a vague whisper to Compete.
The faint hint of a Song its steps, eternal Complete.
A texture to imply the convolving Lines,
Of all that was secretly hidden Behind,
A song of great beauty, to which I was hitherto Blind.
For each vine, is called a Name, as I work them out of Line.
Pulled back, banished fears, reveal in the clearing Fine:
A hauntingly familiar shape, which appears as through a Gate.
“See how far back into me It goes,” this, I clearly State!
Then the melody, I recognized! It is Me, my Identity – I am Mine!
As I search and research, among Vines, its Name I cannot Find.
No, it is something quite different, I’ve seen in others, Divine!
Then to my surprise, I learned too, the Name for this music Sublime.
As in this poignant Aire, my inner contours are laid Bare,
There are areas of which, I am yet Unaware.
When finally revealed: will their harmony stay Fair?
Thus Form and Melody intertwine, They Dare
“True to mine own Norm and Music, this I deeply Care.”
Or am I the fool, who has imagined in Vain,
Who needed to see a pattern, amid the Pain.
And then further composed, this misguided Refrain?
Still, it seems Real — So Real, I Believe!
It Matches, It Solves, And Finally Resolves!
How could It dissolve into mere Make-Believe?
It is Beautiful, and Graceful!
And I think:
She is Me!
I wrote this poem to myself as I was working through who I was as a person in 1999. Formally, I was working through clinical depression in therapy, where it first became safe for me to work on the various bad things in my past (rapes and such). Very soon into therapy, my “gender stuff” came-out like a flash-flood.
Knowing always that I was never a boy, I imagined my body different, hiding my genitalia when bathing (harming them at other times), dressing as femininely as I could get away with. I wanted my body to be like the girls I knew. I learned a new word: transsexual…could I be this? Could I dare for that to be true of me? It was not safe to talk to anyone about this, or ask questions. Looking back I now see that much of the hell I endured as a child was because I was gender variant. They knew…they knew: they called me “femme” even as they called some other outcasts “fagots.” I could not dare to believe my being so very, very different could mean that I am transsexual…so I repressed for a quarter century as it slowly ate at me…
I published my poem on the Internet and added this explanation to the end of it:
I’ve written this poem based on a powerful vision which occurred recently in my intense and on-going journey of self-discovery. To me, I see the recognition of my very strong feminine side (along with other signs and research) to indicated that I may be gender dysphoric, that is transsexual. There are other possible explanations which I am exploring as well. It could be that my natural femininity has been amplified by many of the unpleasant experiences I endured as a child and adolescent. I am currently working through all of these issues, even as I write. Someday soon, I hope to discover who and what I am — a process of great seriousness, tears, wonder and joy.
Whatever I may be, I treasure my contrasexual traits, and I encourage You to embrace those opposites in Yourself too! No, doing so does not make you trans-anything, but it does make You a more whole and well-rounded person. Yes, it may feel funny at first, but give it a try — it will feel so good to be fully yourself without the shackles of what others or society thinks You should be: To Yourself be true, whoever and whatever You are! This, in turn will help You to better accept others as they are — a wonderful completion of the circle!